Chaper 3: Mom's First Illness: The Stage is Set
Vernon, Mom and Joyce, circa 1942, outside the Ranch.
Chapter 2: Admittance to Hospital
In February 2002, I made an appointment with Mom's family doctor in order to get a referral to see a gynaecologist because my doctor in NB had found an enlarged ovary during an examination she had given me before I left for BC. During that visit, I mentioned to the doctor that Mom and I both had a tendency to blood clots (I had a pulmonary embolism when I was 47 years old) and that Mom had phlebitits that had caused blood clots more than once. The doctor mentioned the blood clots to Mom before she was moved to the hospital. She was not feeling well and couldn't remember whether she had had clots or not. Anyway, Mom was convinced that her sickness was due entirely to the chemo treatments. She decided she wasn't going to take any more chemotherapy as it had almost caused her death.
On March 6, 2002, the doctor phoned to ask Mom if she would like to be admitted to the Pentiction hospital to drain the fluid that was accumulating in her lungs. I took the phone into Mom's bedroom and told her what the doctor was asking. He could hear her replies as I relayed his conversation to her. Gord was in the room also. Mom decided it was better to be in the hospital getting treatment than to be lying prone in bed and not able to get up. She still couldn't understand why her legs wouldn't work.
Hospital Stay
I began to pack a bag for Mom's stay in the hospital. She asked me to put in a large Kleenex box. I did and when I left the room to get something else, Gord immediately took it back out. I put it back in. Mom was moved by ambulance to the hospital and the fluid was drained from her lungs. She still felt very ill and looked extremely worn out. The doctor said there wasn't as much fluid in her lungs as he had expected. Gord and I shared a Zero bar while we waited for the doctor to finish with Mom's treatment. During Mom's two-week stay in the hospital, Melissah and Mia visited her.
Mom was thrilled with these visits and laughed and played with the baby at the foot of the bed for hours at a time. Melissah (Vernon's daughter) stayed for ten days. Mom loved Melissah and her baby and was happy to see them both. Afterwards, she would recall with affection and pleasure her time with them. It was the high point of all the visits she had.
When Melissah flew back to Montreal, I asked the nurses in the hospital if I could stay with Mom, and they said I couldn't stay in the same room with her but otherwise didn't give me a definite No answer. So I stayed at the hospital and slept on the floow in the visitors' TV room in another wing of the hospital. That way, I could visit Mom in the mornings and evenings when there were no other visitors. When I came to the hospital with Gord, I usually spent most of my time in the waiting room while he and his family and friends visited. By staying at the hospital, I could get more visiting time and not interfere with their time. Gord thought I had "funny" ideas sometimes. He got very grumpy over my staying in the hospital rather than travelling back and forth with him. He especially wanted to take home the blanket that I was using for a bed in the hospital. I had to hide it in a closet so he wouldn't take it away. He was upset because I brought Mom's mocha makings for her breakfast drink. I thought his crankiness was unusual and mentioned it to Mom.
While Mom was in the hospital, the doctors asked her to make a decision whether or not she wanted to stay at the hospice in Penticton. They still thought she had only weeks to live. When she talked to me I said she must decide for herself and she thought the hospice might be best; after she talked to Gord she thought she should go home after her treatment in the hospital because it would mean Gord wouldn't have to drive for an hour to see her. He also expressed concern that it would cost too much money to travel back and forth from Keremeos to Penticton to visit Mom. Mom suggested to Gord that he and I talk it over. He just nodded his head in bemusement and preferred not to say a word to me.
During Mom's stay in the hospital, the doctors gave her a blood thinner to dissolve the clots in her lung and leg. The nurses gave her too much heparin and the blood started to spot on the skin of her arms. Then they injected her with vitamin K to thicken her blood and counteract the thinner. It's not for nothing that doctors and nurses call what they do "practice"! She also received physiotherapy to help her walk until she could make her way across the room with the assistance of a walker. She continued to use a portable commode in the hospital.
While I was at the hospital, one of the members of Mom's congregation, VR, came to visit her and fell after tripping over a carpet in the hall of the hospital. She had to be put in the hospital for treatment of an injured leg. Three people had accompanied the woman to the hospital. I talked to them briefly and they told me what had happened to their friend. Then they mentioned that Gord had said that Mom had quit eating solid foods. This was upsetting news to me because I had been the one making her meals and eating with her and I knew she hadn't quit eating. I wondered why he said such a thing when it wasn't true.
(The following are notes I made in March 2002 when I was staying in the hospital in Pentiction (sleeping in the TV room) while Mom was receiving treatment for blood clots in her lung and in her leg.)
What I learned about blended families during Mom's illness...
--His kids: Shirley, Max and John
--Her kids: Joyce (Vernon deceased)
--Their kids: Sonya, Alf
--Her husband: doesn't take a firm stand on anything; wants everyone to be happy with no conflicts, no direct instructions. Things just happen and he watches them unfold from the sidelines.
--My Nemesis--Shirley, taking on Mom's matriarchal role before it's really hers (if it will every be!) Tells everyone how things should be. Makes rules without them necessarily being needed. Works hard. Tells Joyce how much to feed Mom--smaller portions are her preference. She notes Mom's will, Mom's bank account, neither of which should conern her. I don't know her motives--to make brownie points with her Dad? To be in control? I think Gord feels Shirley would be the best caregiver. he implied that I tried to pull the wool over his (Shirley's?) eyes or words to that effect. Mom's reply to that was, Maybe Shirley is pulling the wool over your eyes.
My mother never mothered Shirley. At one point I was willing to concede more than half the care duties to her but she got defensive and I agreed with her position: "I'll do anything you want, Joyce!" and I never offered her more. I have at various times felt like: taking amotel room and visiting my Mom like any other guest; leaving for home; leaving to see Heather in Edmonton; and forgetting the whole thing.
This experience has been a horrendous one. Gord is grumpy about things I do for Mom--getting a wheelchair when she asks for it, getting a blanket, bringing mocha supplies to the hospital, etc., yet he won't pay for Mom to watch TV in the hospital. He is always saying how much things cost and how he will save money on Mom's illness through government- or insurance-paid bills, through disability claims with Revenue Canada, etc. It is a disgusting business when he feels it is too expensive to drive into Penticton to see her once a day. What a stingy guy! I can hardly believe it.
I had a terrible night last night. I feel as though I've been through the meat grinder. Gord wants me to go to Keremeos with him--why? Probably to make meals for him! I sometimes even feel sorry for him.
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One of Mom's roommates in the hospital was Rose. She regaled us with stories of her family and jokes the whole time she was there. One night she had the whole room laughing about escapades she had had, including losing her underpants on the gurney while going for tests? Mom found her a joy to talk to and stayed in touch with Rose to the end of her (Mom's) life. The stay in the hospital cheered Mom up both emotionally and physically. Mom also stayed in touch with Rosemary who had been in the bed beside her. Mom managed to visit Rosemary in the hospice during the summer, but thought that she didn't recognize her and it wasn't long after that visit that Rosemary died (in September).
During most of Mom's two-week stay in the hospital, she never had a TV to watch so I ordered one for her. I heard her laughing heartily at a comedy show, and I smiled and thought it certainly was worth the effort just to hear her laugh so freely again. Her stay in the hospital renewed her spirits. Two days later, Mom went home.
Release from Hospital
After two weeks in the hospital, the doctor (Dr. W) decided it was time for Mom to check herself out. Because the doctor didn't release her, she was considered responsible for getting transportation home. Gord was willing to take her into the van to go home, but I, and others, thought that it would be too difficult for Mom. Gord also said that only the doctor could order an ambulance. I phoned the ambulance office and found that it would cost $54 to have a vehicle take Mom home without the doctor's release. Gord didn't like paying that amount so we stayed in the hospital for a couple of hours until the nurse asked the doctor to order the ambulance. The whole thing caused a stir on the floor. Mom said to me later when we were alone in the bedroom, Gord doesn't think much of me because he wouldn't even pay for an ambulance. I made some inane excuse for him.
At the hospital I was given a number to call regarding obtaining a wheelchair ramp for the front steps of Mom's house. I inquired about the cost and told Mom. But Gord is handy with wood and tools and he and a friend built a ramp within a week of Mom's arrival home. When her health improved, she could easily be wheeled down the ramp to the car.
Recuperating At Home
Gradually Mom began to get the strength back in her legs. First she used the wheelchair, then a walker and finally a cane to get around the house. With just the three of us in the house, everything ran smoothly. I cooked the meals, cleaned the house, washed clothes, put ointment on Mom's sore and did other things to be useful. I even cleaned the rugs on the main floor. The home care workers continued to come once a day to look after Mom's needs. I got to know these workers very well. Gord and Alf helped to install John's (Mom's brother) TV in the bedroom so Mom would have something to watch when she wanted to.
Mom had a close friend, Louise, who was blind. Mom used to drive her to church on Sundays. They both had health problems and Mom was always concerned with her friend's well-being. She asked me to prepare a fruit basket and deliver it to her. This I did and stayed to visit with her for a while. Louise asked me to come back again because she was planning to bake some cookies for Mom. I went back a week or so later and picked up the cookies and had another nice chat with her. Mom and Louise were the same age and because Mom worried about her welfare, she always kept in touch. Louise died in April that year which saddened Mom very much. Her friend Barb told us about Louise's last days. Inge's husband had died just previous to that time. Both deaths affected Mom a lot.
All her life, Mom had a very good memory. She could recite poems that she learned in grade school. She knew the words to many songs too. She could easily memorize the complex patterns she used in knitting and chocheting. As Mom continued to recuperate, she asked my husband, Don, to obtain copies of some of her favourite songs and poems from the Internet. Three items that she requested have been reproduced in my book: "Abou Ben Adhem" by Leigh Hunt; "The Deacon's Masterpiece or, The Wonderful 'One-Hoss Shay': A Logical Story"; and "Toora Loora Looral (That's an Irish Lullaby)".
Mom was just as concrned about keeping her mind sharp as keeping her body functioning and part of her effort towards getting better was to spend time renewing her acquaintance with works she had read as a young girl. It made her feel alive and normal. She took consolation in knowing she could still remember what she wanted to remember and this was an important aspect of her recuperation.
Once when Mom and I were talking about her illness, she said, Well, I guess I fooled them all. I didn't die after all when everyone thought I would! We were light-heartedly amused by that idea. It was a little bit of false bravado, I guess. I was glad she was still alive too. She said to me, You know, everyone thought I would be the next one in the family to die after my brother Dan. I guess I thought so too. I sure miss Theta. I think of something I want to tell her and realize that I won't ever talk to her again.
When there was company (and I guess I was company during this time!) Gord would solicitously follow Mom to make sure she didn't fall when she was using the walker. He would ask her if she needed anything to drink and would generally be very attentive. After one of these displays of attention, Mom said to me privately, You know, Gord only acts interested in me when there is someone around to notice. When we are here alone, he doesn't do all those things to help me. It is all for show.
As part of my preparation to go home, I decided to thoroughly vacuum the whole house. While cleaning around the pull-out chesterfield in the livingroom, I noticed some mouse droppings. I opened up the chesterfield-bed and found more evidence of mice living within the bedding. I washed the mattress cover and vacuumed everywhere. Mom told me they had had mice before, but in the kitchen. Gord set two traps in the chesterfield. Mom told me later that they caught two mice during the summer.
Gradually Mom got back enough stamina to get around the house and occasionally to go to Penticton to see the doctor or to shop. She no longer needed to be attached to the oxygen-making machine. I told Gord I wanted to go home on April 13. I suggested to Mom that he phone one of his "girls" to come look after the cooking for him, but he didnt' do anything. He said he couldn't phone Shirley because he didn't know where she was! (She was home.) Then Gord said he had decided that he would do the cooking and care for Mom himself. That struck me as ludicrous, and I said, Je-s-s-us Chr-r-i-i-st, Gord, how are you going to do that? The language upset Mom. I apologized to Mom and tried to explain that Gord's bravado and doing nothing were frustrating. I said everything I did, I did for her and not anyone else. I wanted her to know that I put up with all the foolishness with the Ns for her sake, and only hers. She knew that.
Later Mom wrote a little poem about not taking the Lord's name in vain. She even read and/or sang it to me. I promised myself to not swear again in Mom's presence and kept that promise.
Alpha Females
Once when Marilyn visited the house, we were talking about Shirley and her reactions to my looking after Mom. She told me she thought that Shirley was jealous of my relationship with Gord. I said that Shirley didn't have to worry about that anymore! I supposed that Shirley, being the oldest sibling in her family, looked after her brothers when their mother was incapacitated. She learned a sense of responsibility early in her life. When I was small, Mom said about two and a half years old, she would leave me to look after my baby brother when he was in his crib. I was taught to call her if the baby lost his bottle, cried, or needed her in some way. I, too, learned a sense of responsibility at a very young age. Shirley and I shared that sense of obligation.
I told Marilyn that I thought my relationship with Shirley could be compared to the pack instinct of wild dogs or wolves. That is to say, there is usually only one alpha female in a pack of animals. All the other animals submit to the alpha female. Sometimes all the puppies will be under the care of the alpha female and the other mothers are forced to act as surrogates to their own offspring. I suggested that Shirley and I were like two alpha females and, just as in the animal world, the fight for control would be to the death! I don't think Marilyn knew what I was talking about. I told this story to Mom but I don't think she wanted to believe it. I guess my comparisons with the animal world were a stretch, but I don't think so. I believe we share a lot of the characteristics of the animal world. We are still animals, albeit human animals. In any case, the female I should have been wary of turned out to be a beta!
Going Home
Before I went home I asked Mom if I could take one of her fancy thimbles as a memento and she said that was fine. I asked Sonya to see that someone was with Mom so she wouldn't ever again have to cook in the kitchen. She said she would look after it. I left a message for the next person who would look after Mom and at the bottom noted that Mom shouldn't have to cook--every again! The weekend before I left for home, I cooked a big turkey dinner for Sonya's and Alf's family. Alf was now separated from his wife and feeling quite angry and hurt. All he could talk about was the separation and how it took him by surprise and how he wanted reconciliation. He was in a lot of pain.
I talked to Shirley on the phone before I left. She said to me, We all thought Mom was going to die, didn't we? I didn't reply because she wasn't expressing what I thought. Shirley also suggested that the doctor could have done something different in Mom's care. I just replied that I thought the doctor had done exactly the right thing. She went on to tell me whay she couldn't come right away to take care of Mom. We hung up on good terms, I thought. After I went home, Darcy cooked for Mom and Gord for a week, then Sonya did the cooking until Shirley came after she had finished her house/dog sitting contract.
(This letter was sent to Mom's family doctor in mid-April just before I left for home. Mom was using a walker and seemed to be on the way to recovery.)
Dear Dr. Partridge
I would like to thank you for the excellent care you showed my mother, Esther. I especially appreciated your home visits and your sending her to hospital for treatment, which resulted in her regaining some of her former strength; in fact, you probably saved her life.
Your concern for my health was also really appreciated. It was because of your suggestion last fall that I had my family doctor examine me. Thanks for arranging the appointment with Dr. R (the gynaecologist).
I shall remember you for your diligence in restoring my mother's health and for your kindness in helping me look after my own health.
Sincerely
(Signed) Joyce Ripley from New Brunswick (I put that information at the end because the doctor was never sure who I was.)
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I also sent thank-you letters to the home care workers and the nurses. They did an excellent job.
From then on, I noticed that whenevery I was leaving after a visit, Mom would gaze at my face and my form "as though to memeorize them for eternity." (John Steinbeck, East of Eden)
Summer 2002
During the summer of 2002, Sonya and Shirley took turns staying with Mom and Gord and doing the cooking and cleaning and care giving. Sometimes Mom and Gord were alone and Mom would go to the kitchen to help make meals even though I had asked her not to do that. She tried to supervise Gord's making a meal by writing everything down on paper, step by step, but he still couldn't manage a meal by himself. he really was not able to cook a meal, period! That frustrated Mom no end. When Mom got tired of her caregiver being there, whether it was Shirley or Sonya, she would suggest they leave and go home. She discussed these things with me on the phone.
At the pinnacle of summer in a conversation with Mom, she talked about visiting me. I was surprised because I thought she was too sick to travel. I told her we would like to care for her and I would ask my family doctor if she could take on a new patient. I asked Don if he was all right with Mom coming and he said, Sure, it would be fine with him. We had the room and Mom wouldn't have to climb stairs. I told Mom we would look after her. She asked again, if we were willing to take care of her in her illness. Yes, I said. If necessary, I would fly there and bring her back with me. I told her that my doctor would prescribe her medications but couldn't take her on as a new patient.
The next week when I phoned her, she never mentioned anything about coming out even though I said it would be nice to have her here and we would love to look after her. When I talked to her the next time, she told me that Gord said she was too ill to travel and that it would be better for her to stay home where she could get adequate medical care.
I accepted that reasoning without question. Looking back I think, How naive I was to believe that Gord had Mom's welfare solely on his mind! I think now that he must have listened in on our telephone conversations because one of his big accusations against me later was that I was trying to take Mom away from him. Well, I think Mom was trying to get away. Kathleen got away from one N, Gay got away from another, why not a third escape? My stomach churns when I think whawt emotional torment I could have sabved Mom from and didn't! I rued the day that I held respect for the marital relationship above all others!
Reaction in Light of What Happened Later
Oh, my heart aches to think I didn't carry through on my promise to bring Mom to my home to care for her! I was waiting for her to insist on coming, but, of course, she would not do that. I should have insisted that she come. How I wish I had. I could cry a river right now that I didn't immediately go to BC and bring my mother back and nurse her at my home. Such regrets do I have. Mom, too, regretted that she hadn't insisted on her coming to see me that summer. Such regrets we both had!
Later, when it was to late to do anything about it, my cousin told me Mom had been all ready to leave and asked my cousin to travel with her. My aunt told me how much Mom was looking forward to coming to stay with us. Why didn't they share that information with me sooner? WEll, I blew that opportunity to be with my Mom and it will be a regret I will take to my grave. I believe that Mom suspected that things were not going to go well in the future. She told me she heard Gord on the phone, talking to his children especially, and berating almost everything about me, from little things like leftovers to--who knows what. You will have to ask Gord. These little bits of information didn't seem important then.
Messages
However, during the summer both Sonya and Alf sent me e-mail messages that assured me all was well with them. Alf's messages were usually very short, maybe only a couple of sentences about Mom's health or his children's birthdays and graduation, or inquiries about my plans. Sonya, too, sent messages regarding Mom's health. I told her how concerned I was about not being there to take care of her. Sonya reassured me to "Remembr, keep those thoughts positive."
On May 23, 2002, Sonya sent the following message to me, just as you see below:
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From then on, I noticed that whenevery I was leaving after a visit, Mom would gaze at my face and my form "as though to memeorize them for eternity." (John Steinbeck, East of Eden)
Summer 2002
During the summer of 2002, Sonya and Shirley took turns staying with Mom and Gord and doing the cooking and cleaning and care giving. Sometimes Mom and Gord were alone and Mom would go to the kitchen to help make meals even though I had asked her not to do that. She tried to supervise Gord's making a meal by writing everything down on paper, step by step, but he still couldn't manage a meal by himself. he really was not able to cook a meal, period! That frustrated Mom no end. When Mom got tired of her caregiver being there, whether it was Shirley or Sonya, she would suggest they leave and go home. She discussed these things with me on the phone.
At the pinnacle of summer in a conversation with Mom, she talked about visiting me. I was surprised because I thought she was too sick to travel. I told her we would like to care for her and I would ask my family doctor if she could take on a new patient. I asked Don if he was all right with Mom coming and he said, Sure, it would be fine with him. We had the room and Mom wouldn't have to climb stairs. I told Mom we would look after her. She asked again, if we were willing to take care of her in her illness. Yes, I said. If necessary, I would fly there and bring her back with me. I told her that my doctor would prescribe her medications but couldn't take her on as a new patient.
The next week when I phoned her, she never mentioned anything about coming out even though I said it would be nice to have her here and we would love to look after her. When I talked to her the next time, she told me that Gord said she was too ill to travel and that it would be better for her to stay home where she could get adequate medical care.
I accepted that reasoning without question. Looking back I think, How naive I was to believe that Gord had Mom's welfare solely on his mind! I think now that he must have listened in on our telephone conversations because one of his big accusations against me later was that I was trying to take Mom away from him. Well, I think Mom was trying to get away. Kathleen got away from one N, Gay got away from another, why not a third escape? My stomach churns when I think whawt emotional torment I could have sabved Mom from and didn't! I rued the day that I held respect for the marital relationship above all others!
Reaction in Light of What Happened Later
Oh, my heart aches to think I didn't carry through on my promise to bring Mom to my home to care for her! I was waiting for her to insist on coming, but, of course, she would not do that. I should have insisted that she come. How I wish I had. I could cry a river right now that I didn't immediately go to BC and bring my mother back and nurse her at my home. Such regrets do I have. Mom, too, regretted that she hadn't insisted on her coming to see me that summer. Such regrets we both had!
Later, when it was to late to do anything about it, my cousin told me Mom had been all ready to leave and asked my cousin to travel with her. My aunt told me how much Mom was looking forward to coming to stay with us. Why didn't they share that information with me sooner? WEll, I blew that opportunity to be with my Mom and it will be a regret I will take to my grave. I believe that Mom suspected that things were not going to go well in the future. She told me she heard Gord on the phone, talking to his children especially, and berating almost everything about me, from little things like leftovers to--who knows what. You will have to ask Gord. These little bits of information didn't seem important then.
Messages
However, during the summer both Sonya and Alf sent me e-mail messages that assured me all was well with them. Alf's messages were usually very short, maybe only a couple of sentences about Mom's health or his children's birthdays and graduation, or inquiries about my plans. Sonya, too, sent messages regarding Mom's health. I told her how concerned I was about not being there to take care of her. Sonya reassured me to "Remembr, keep those thoughts positive."
On May 23, 2002, Sonya sent the following message to me, just as you see below:
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...When I sent there on my last trip, she (Mom) wanted to help in the kitchen and it was really difficult to get to the point of allowing her to do this, but then it is her home and is what she wanted. I hope you are comfortable with this because we have not left her alone for any other reason than to abide by her wishes.
As you know she is very dominating! Sometimes, I just need to do what I am told....
As you know she is very dominating! Sometimes, I just need to do what I am told....
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Then she sent me a message (emphasis is mine) on July 26, 2002, that was puzzling to me:
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...One thing for sure is you are the one she wants to be with. After all of these years I have come to accept she loves me in her own special way. She always has loved you more than anyone on earth...and I think it is important that I say this to you. All my life she only ever spoke of you in wonderful terms. Did you know that? She never said a bad word about you.
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My reply on July 27 was:
Sonya, it is very generous of you to say those things about Mom and me. She has always bragged about me even when I thought I never deserved it. I used to worry that you would come to dislike me because of that. You are indeed special to Mom. She always preferred girls, you know, not that she didn't like boys.... I'm glad you can see that your relationship with Mom is just as important as mine with her. It's just different, as we are both very different people.
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Mom and I continued to phone each other every Saturday. Sometimes she mentioned that her caregivers did not do so much to help her. According to Mom, even Shirley suggested that Sonya wasn't much help to Mom as she spent a good deal of the time visiting and socializing elsewhere. Mom would ask Shirley or Sonya to leave after a couple of weeks as she felt she didn't need them. She asked Sonya not to do canning at the house because of the noise and mess. Shirley, however, spent her time canning, ignoring Mom's wishes. Mom felt she was being taken advantage of.
Every time we talked on the phone that summer, we reviewed Mom's medical condition. She had good times and bad times. She went to Kelowna for a pain management appointment and was told what she could eat. She was told that cheese did not bind and that it was good for her to eat it. Mom gave everyone that good news. Over the summer, she was given many different kinds of medication for anxiety, pain, sleeplessness, nausea, vomiting, water retention, diarrhoea, or constipation and was taking a mouth wash for thrush. She told me she took one or two sleeping pills (really there were pills for anxiety call Lorazepam) every night in order to sleep. She had also taken sleeping pills before that. She was bloated and her bowels weren't working, conditions for which she had catscans taken. Finally, Mom was given a morphine patch to control pain. This slowed her down both physically and mentally, especially when the morphine first took effect. (Mom always insisted that she was allergic to morphine.) AFter the affects of the patch wore off, she would be almost normal except for the chronic tiredness that never again gave her peace.
Around the end of July, Mom told me on the phone that she had not been feeling very well. She vomited up her food and even some blood. Her stomach was distended too. Finally, she had a vomiting and diarrhoea session where she managed to get to the toilet and hold a bucket to her mouth at the same time. Afterwards she told me she felt all cleaned out and began to feel better. Nevertheless, things were very worrying.
Taking Turns
Mom's idea was that each of the "girls" would take turns visiting and taking care of her and Gord. By August, Mom thought I could come and take my turn without the others feeling left out. Around the end of July, I asked Mom and Gord if it was okay to buy a ticket to come to see Mom. Gord assured me a visit would be fine. However, in the meantime, because her illness prevented her from thinking clearly, Mom asked Gord to phone Shirley for one last visit before I came. That same day, I phoned to let Mom and Gord know that I was going to arrive on August 6. But they told me that Shirley was going to come at the same time! I was confused. Mom said Gord had just been on the phone asking Shirley to come before I phoned. I told her i didn't understand. She told me that I just came and went every time but that Shirley was going to be there for the long term. I said I wanted to look after her in her sickness and would try to do that. But I really didn't want to be there at the same time as Shirley was.
I talked to Gord and told him I was cancelling my tickety and that when Shirley leaves, I will come. He expressed concern for my cancelling the ticket, but I said, Don't worry about that. Then I said goodbye and hung up.
I was in turmoil. I couldn't understand why Mom phoned Shirley to come just before I was planning to be there. I couldn't understand why Gord didn't mention to Mom that Shirley and I would both be there at the same time. Mom phoned me the next Monday when she realized what she had done. She apologized to me and said she thought she had messed things up, that she shouldn't have said anything. I told her I was very upset. She said she felt hurt and that Gord was angry with her also. That didn't make sense to me: I couldn't understand why Gord didn't tell Mom of the conflicting plans rather than blaming her after he arranged them! I thought Mom was just too ill to remember things but Gord knew everything that was going on and could have straightened things out. He chose not to do so.
I took a long, long walk trying to figure out what was going on. Later, I wrote two letters: one to my alter ego and one to Mom neither of which I ever intended to send. I reproduce them here with some trepidation just to show how I felt at the time. I am not proud of what I thought and said in them.
Saturday, August 24, 2002
Dear Alter Ego
I'm writing this letter to get rid of some demons. By the process of writing how I feel, maybe I can resolve some things.
I chose you to talk to because I think you know a lot about mother-daughter relationships that go astray. I am having great difficulties right now: I alternately love my mother and want to be near her to tell her so and hate her because she seems to be controlling and using me as she used to when I was a child. I seem to have reverted to that insecure childlike state that I never wanted to return to. My feelings toward her are similar to those I felt when she hauled off and slapped me on the side of the face when I was in my twenties. I wasn't expecting the slap and it startled me as much as it hurt. I want to withold my presence and make her pay for the feelings she creates in me.
On Wednesday, July 31, 2002, I talked to Mom and she was not doing very well. I said I would like to come and look after her if that was all right with her. I said I would let her know what flight I would be on. I also talked to Gord to make sure he was all right with my coming at that time. I asked his permission to come to visit my own Mother!! How appalling!
Mom had told me a week before this conversation that Gord wanted to have some time alone without any company. I agreed as they had just had a long visit from Sonya. Maybe they didn't want to see me and they don't have the gumption to tell me. Anyway, Gord was fine with my coming out and I said I would call Saturday and let them know the flight time. I bought a ticket for August 6, Tuesday.
On Saturday Mom phoned me and I told her about my flight. She said that she wanted Shirley to come for awhile so that she (Shirley) wouldn't feel left out of the care-giving thing. Such competition to look after Mom!!! I was upset and said I didn't mind Shirley being there as she takes good care of Mom but I didn't want to be there at the same time. Anyway, Mom couldn't see it.
Again I talked to Gord ( who had just been on the phone to Shirley to ask her to come look after Mom; what's wrong with that man?). I told him I was cancelling my ticket and would come when Shirley left. He was all sympathetic (especially about the possibility of my losing money on the ticket) and said that Shirley was only going to be there a couple of days. I said, Oh, no, that's what you said the last time I was there and she stayed a month and a half. So I said goodbye and hung up. I did not sound angry; I felt dismay.
I never heard from anyone until Monday and Mom phoned to say she made a mistake but said that Shirley was still coming that day. I told her that I was upset over her asking Shirley to come out after I had told her I was buying a ticket. She said well, she was upset too. She still insisted that Shirley should come and "take her turn."
Mom was upset that I had been told that Shirley was coming and that I was making a mess of the good relationship she had built up with Gord's kids over the years. Well, I felt bad, but I was more confused. Shere was my place in all this? What does she want from me? I guess I eas taking for granted my "special" place as mom's daughter. But I'm not kidding myself about this anymore. Actions speak a lot louder than words. There doesn't seem to be a "special" place and probably there shouldn't be. However, I needed to know that a change in my place had occurred. This must be Mom's way of letting me know my new role. The part she wants me to play is not the part I had chosen for myself. I, therefore, defer to her choice.
So I'm trying to figure this out so I can lay it to rest. I've thought about nothing else but Mom's health for a year now. I've worried about not bing there when she dies. But I've got to put all thought to rest because now my health is beginning to be affected by all these goings on. I can't deal with this stuff anymore. I would rather that Mom just leave me out of it all and go ahead with Gord's kids and not pretend that I have any special status. I certainly don't feel special. So what is going on? Mom wants to treat everyone in the family fairly and equally. But she told me (and probably Shirley too) that she didn't want Sonya to look after her. Has she changed her mind about that? Actually I think Sonya is trying to be the best she can be right now. I always suspect her motives, probably without cause.
Mom set me up twice. In February, she or someone she asked, phoned Shirley to come to look after her. Mom made arrangements with Shirley to pay her if she would look after hjer. I wanted Mom to phone me and ask me to look after her!! Why didn't she? Is she sparing my feelings, or not even thinking about my concerns, or just too sick to care?
Anyway, Mom wanted Shirley there. She was always concerned about whether or not everyone was getting along. I wondered why that was such a concern. So did she not want me there? I wasn't asked to come. Did she want me to sit there and watch Shirley take charge of everything, which is what Shirley did? What in hell did she expect of me??? Anyway, I stuck up for myself, got Gord down on me and the other Ns no doubt.
I couldn't wait to get back home after two and a half months of feeding Gord who could not care less who does that as long as it gets done. I'm not looking forward to going back.
Maybe I need an excuse not to go back there again. I have said to myself, in the future no matter what decision I make, it will be the right one. I'm not going to live the rest of my life thinking I shoujld have done something different. When Mom dies, I will be free from all this. (Oh, Joyce, how wrong you were!)
Is it that Mom wants to treat Shirley and me equally? Well, tell me this: what's equal when one is promised payment for looking after her and the other will gladly do it for nothing? When we are together, who do you think will be the most obstinate? Well, I was in round one, but I absolutely refuse to be put in that position again. Shirley takes round two by default. Now I know Mom is dying, so I'm always trying to spare her feelings, but she isn't doing the same for me. She gave me some money for airfare the time before last when I was there, but I refused to be insulted by taking money the last time. Mom doesn't have a clue what she is doing to me by all this "treating everyone fairly" business. I want that business to be over and soon.
i know that I just sound miserable and ugly. Mom says she loves me but her actions are confusing. I wish I had those plank-like qualities that the Ns have so nothing would affect me and I wouldn't mull over these things forever.
As I put my pen down and re-read this letter, it all sounds so silly and juvenile. I guess there never is enough love given or received between mother and daughter. I don't feel reassured when she tells me she loves me and then says she's sorry that I've ruined her relationship with Gord's kids. By staying away, I won't jeopardize that relationship anymore. Or I will have to become a much better person than I am now. I must learn to swallow my pride.
I am so sorry to saddle you, Alter Ego, with this information. I do feel a bit better that someone at least will understand my course of action in the future, whatever that will be.
Thanks for listening. You can tear this letter up now and no one needs to know I ever wrote it.
Love,
Joyce
Mom and I continued to phone each other every Saturday. Sometimes she mentioned that her caregivers did not do so much to help her. According to Mom, even Shirley suggested that Sonya wasn't much help to Mom as she spent a good deal of the time visiting and socializing elsewhere. Mom would ask Shirley or Sonya to leave after a couple of weeks as she felt she didn't need them. She asked Sonya not to do canning at the house because of the noise and mess. Shirley, however, spent her time canning, ignoring Mom's wishes. Mom felt she was being taken advantage of.
Every time we talked on the phone that summer, we reviewed Mom's medical condition. She had good times and bad times. She went to Kelowna for a pain management appointment and was told what she could eat. She was told that cheese did not bind and that it was good for her to eat it. Mom gave everyone that good news. Over the summer, she was given many different kinds of medication for anxiety, pain, sleeplessness, nausea, vomiting, water retention, diarrhoea, or constipation and was taking a mouth wash for thrush. She told me she took one or two sleeping pills (really there were pills for anxiety call Lorazepam) every night in order to sleep. She had also taken sleeping pills before that. She was bloated and her bowels weren't working, conditions for which she had catscans taken. Finally, Mom was given a morphine patch to control pain. This slowed her down both physically and mentally, especially when the morphine first took effect. (Mom always insisted that she was allergic to morphine.) AFter the affects of the patch wore off, she would be almost normal except for the chronic tiredness that never again gave her peace.
Around the end of July, Mom told me on the phone that she had not been feeling very well. She vomited up her food and even some blood. Her stomach was distended too. Finally, she had a vomiting and diarrhoea session where she managed to get to the toilet and hold a bucket to her mouth at the same time. Afterwards she told me she felt all cleaned out and began to feel better. Nevertheless, things were very worrying.
Taking Turns
Mom's idea was that each of the "girls" would take turns visiting and taking care of her and Gord. By August, Mom thought I could come and take my turn without the others feeling left out. Around the end of July, I asked Mom and Gord if it was okay to buy a ticket to come to see Mom. Gord assured me a visit would be fine. However, in the meantime, because her illness prevented her from thinking clearly, Mom asked Gord to phone Shirley for one last visit before I came. That same day, I phoned to let Mom and Gord know that I was going to arrive on August 6. But they told me that Shirley was going to come at the same time! I was confused. Mom said Gord had just been on the phone asking Shirley to come before I phoned. I told her i didn't understand. She told me that I just came and went every time but that Shirley was going to be there for the long term. I said I wanted to look after her in her sickness and would try to do that. But I really didn't want to be there at the same time as Shirley was.
I talked to Gord and told him I was cancelling my tickety and that when Shirley leaves, I will come. He expressed concern for my cancelling the ticket, but I said, Don't worry about that. Then I said goodbye and hung up.
I was in turmoil. I couldn't understand why Mom phoned Shirley to come just before I was planning to be there. I couldn't understand why Gord didn't mention to Mom that Shirley and I would both be there at the same time. Mom phoned me the next Monday when she realized what she had done. She apologized to me and said she thought she had messed things up, that she shouldn't have said anything. I told her I was very upset. She said she felt hurt and that Gord was angry with her also. That didn't make sense to me: I couldn't understand why Gord didn't tell Mom of the conflicting plans rather than blaming her after he arranged them! I thought Mom was just too ill to remember things but Gord knew everything that was going on and could have straightened things out. He chose not to do so.
I took a long, long walk trying to figure out what was going on. Later, I wrote two letters: one to my alter ego and one to Mom neither of which I ever intended to send. I reproduce them here with some trepidation just to show how I felt at the time. I am not proud of what I thought and said in them.
Saturday, August 24, 2002
Dear Alter Ego
I'm writing this letter to get rid of some demons. By the process of writing how I feel, maybe I can resolve some things.
I chose you to talk to because I think you know a lot about mother-daughter relationships that go astray. I am having great difficulties right now: I alternately love my mother and want to be near her to tell her so and hate her because she seems to be controlling and using me as she used to when I was a child. I seem to have reverted to that insecure childlike state that I never wanted to return to. My feelings toward her are similar to those I felt when she hauled off and slapped me on the side of the face when I was in my twenties. I wasn't expecting the slap and it startled me as much as it hurt. I want to withold my presence and make her pay for the feelings she creates in me.
On Wednesday, July 31, 2002, I talked to Mom and she was not doing very well. I said I would like to come and look after her if that was all right with her. I said I would let her know what flight I would be on. I also talked to Gord to make sure he was all right with my coming at that time. I asked his permission to come to visit my own Mother!! How appalling!
Mom had told me a week before this conversation that Gord wanted to have some time alone without any company. I agreed as they had just had a long visit from Sonya. Maybe they didn't want to see me and they don't have the gumption to tell me. Anyway, Gord was fine with my coming out and I said I would call Saturday and let them know the flight time. I bought a ticket for August 6, Tuesday.
On Saturday Mom phoned me and I told her about my flight. She said that she wanted Shirley to come for awhile so that she (Shirley) wouldn't feel left out of the care-giving thing. Such competition to look after Mom!!! I was upset and said I didn't mind Shirley being there as she takes good care of Mom but I didn't want to be there at the same time. Anyway, Mom couldn't see it.
Again I talked to Gord ( who had just been on the phone to Shirley to ask her to come look after Mom; what's wrong with that man?). I told him I was cancelling my ticket and would come when Shirley left. He was all sympathetic (especially about the possibility of my losing money on the ticket) and said that Shirley was only going to be there a couple of days. I said, Oh, no, that's what you said the last time I was there and she stayed a month and a half. So I said goodbye and hung up. I did not sound angry; I felt dismay.
I never heard from anyone until Monday and Mom phoned to say she made a mistake but said that Shirley was still coming that day. I told her that I was upset over her asking Shirley to come out after I had told her I was buying a ticket. She said well, she was upset too. She still insisted that Shirley should come and "take her turn."
Mom was upset that I had been told that Shirley was coming and that I was making a mess of the good relationship she had built up with Gord's kids over the years. Well, I felt bad, but I was more confused. Shere was my place in all this? What does she want from me? I guess I eas taking for granted my "special" place as mom's daughter. But I'm not kidding myself about this anymore. Actions speak a lot louder than words. There doesn't seem to be a "special" place and probably there shouldn't be. However, I needed to know that a change in my place had occurred. This must be Mom's way of letting me know my new role. The part she wants me to play is not the part I had chosen for myself. I, therefore, defer to her choice.
So I'm trying to figure this out so I can lay it to rest. I've thought about nothing else but Mom's health for a year now. I've worried about not bing there when she dies. But I've got to put all thought to rest because now my health is beginning to be affected by all these goings on. I can't deal with this stuff anymore. I would rather that Mom just leave me out of it all and go ahead with Gord's kids and not pretend that I have any special status. I certainly don't feel special. So what is going on? Mom wants to treat everyone in the family fairly and equally. But she told me (and probably Shirley too) that she didn't want Sonya to look after her. Has she changed her mind about that? Actually I think Sonya is trying to be the best she can be right now. I always suspect her motives, probably without cause.
Mom set me up twice. In February, she or someone she asked, phoned Shirley to come to look after her. Mom made arrangements with Shirley to pay her if she would look after hjer. I wanted Mom to phone me and ask me to look after her!! Why didn't she? Is she sparing my feelings, or not even thinking about my concerns, or just too sick to care?
Anyway, Mom wanted Shirley there. She was always concerned about whether or not everyone was getting along. I wondered why that was such a concern. So did she not want me there? I wasn't asked to come. Did she want me to sit there and watch Shirley take charge of everything, which is what Shirley did? What in hell did she expect of me??? Anyway, I stuck up for myself, got Gord down on me and the other Ns no doubt.
I couldn't wait to get back home after two and a half months of feeding Gord who could not care less who does that as long as it gets done. I'm not looking forward to going back.
Maybe I need an excuse not to go back there again. I have said to myself, in the future no matter what decision I make, it will be the right one. I'm not going to live the rest of my life thinking I shoujld have done something different. When Mom dies, I will be free from all this. (Oh, Joyce, how wrong you were!)
Is it that Mom wants to treat Shirley and me equally? Well, tell me this: what's equal when one is promised payment for looking after her and the other will gladly do it for nothing? When we are together, who do you think will be the most obstinate? Well, I was in round one, but I absolutely refuse to be put in that position again. Shirley takes round two by default. Now I know Mom is dying, so I'm always trying to spare her feelings, but she isn't doing the same for me. She gave me some money for airfare the time before last when I was there, but I refused to be insulted by taking money the last time. Mom doesn't have a clue what she is doing to me by all this "treating everyone fairly" business. I want that business to be over and soon.
i know that I just sound miserable and ugly. Mom says she loves me but her actions are confusing. I wish I had those plank-like qualities that the Ns have so nothing would affect me and I wouldn't mull over these things forever.
As I put my pen down and re-read this letter, it all sounds so silly and juvenile. I guess there never is enough love given or received between mother and daughter. I don't feel reassured when she tells me she loves me and then says she's sorry that I've ruined her relationship with Gord's kids. By staying away, I won't jeopardize that relationship anymore. Or I will have to become a much better person than I am now. I must learn to swallow my pride.
I am so sorry to saddle you, Alter Ego, with this information. I do feel a bit better that someone at least will understand my course of action in the future, whatever that will be.
Thanks for listening. You can tear this letter up now and no one needs to know I ever wrote it.
Love,
Joyce
-----------------
To my Mother, who is dying of cancer and who will never read this:
Mom, I am your daughter. I am dying inside for your approval and for the desire to let me help you while you are dying. I am feeling full of self-doubt and self-loathing for the thoughts that I am having. I don't want to be at your funeral and I don't want to look after you anymore. I thought that I would be one of the persons who would be chosen to take care of you, but you have made other arrangements. That is fine but why couldn't you have explained to me more clearly what you were doing?
Your asking Shirley to come to help you before I could be there with you and your telling me that I wouldn't be there when you need me, but Shirley would take good care of you ("she is always so good to me"), was like a slap in the face.
The decisions you have made make me feel like you are finally getting payback fo all the bad things you claimed I did. You always remembered all my misdemeanours even years later when I visited you with two small children. I would come away from these visits crying for my past misdeeds. I chose to gorget those days but your behaviour now makes me dig up all that shit. I loved you in the best way I could. I did everything to please you but never pleased you enough. Not even when you are dying, and I am dying because you haven't chosen me or explained to me what you want. I feel the deepest hurt and resentment. I thought you would explain to me how I could be of help to you. And now you are too sick to be asked these things. Anyway, what would you do differently?
I needed so much the reassurance of your love and care for me even if I don't deservew them. I guess there never is enough love given or received between you and me. I feel so foolish to think that I thought I was special enough for you to explain what care you wanted. I feel as though you think that I would never ber able to carry out what you needed and required of care. There is no role for me to play in the scenario you have drawn up for your dying. I am not going to be one amongst all those Ns peering down on you as you die (if that's the way it is).
Your loving daughter and little girl lost,
Joyce (Written Saturday, August 24, 2002)
Mom, I am your daughter. I am dying inside for your approval and for the desire to let me help you while you are dying. I am feeling full of self-doubt and self-loathing for the thoughts that I am having. I don't want to be at your funeral and I don't want to look after you anymore. I thought that I would be one of the persons who would be chosen to take care of you, but you have made other arrangements. That is fine but why couldn't you have explained to me more clearly what you were doing?
Your asking Shirley to come to help you before I could be there with you and your telling me that I wouldn't be there when you need me, but Shirley would take good care of you ("she is always so good to me"), was like a slap in the face.
The decisions you have made make me feel like you are finally getting payback fo all the bad things you claimed I did. You always remembered all my misdemeanours even years later when I visited you with two small children. I would come away from these visits crying for my past misdeeds. I chose to gorget those days but your behaviour now makes me dig up all that shit. I loved you in the best way I could. I did everything to please you but never pleased you enough. Not even when you are dying, and I am dying because you haven't chosen me or explained to me what you want. I feel the deepest hurt and resentment. I thought you would explain to me how I could be of help to you. And now you are too sick to be asked these things. Anyway, what would you do differently?
I needed so much the reassurance of your love and care for me even if I don't deservew them. I guess there never is enough love given or received between you and me. I feel so foolish to think that I thought I was special enough for you to explain what care you wanted. I feel as though you think that I would never ber able to carry out what you needed and required of care. There is no role for me to play in the scenario you have drawn up for your dying. I am not going to be one amongst all those Ns peering down on you as you die (if that's the way it is).
Your loving daughter and little girl lost,
Joyce (Written Saturday, August 24, 2002)
---------------
I know that these letters shine an unfavourable light on me. Mom was trying to treat everyone equally so that at the last, if I chose to, I could care for her without worrying about the others being upset. I misunderstood what was going on and didn't realize the pressures that the Ns were putting on Mom. I believe now that Mom couldn't deal with those forces because she was feeling so sick. I don't know what those influences might have been; only the Ns do, and they are not talking to me anymore! Gord, the Master Puppeteer, had begun his play, manoeuvring those strings that controlled all the aspects fo my Mom's life, including her voice. He added more and more strings as time went on to achieve absolute power over even the most delicate of her movements. The question remains: Who was manipulating the Master?
I really would like to think I never had those mean-spirited thoughts. But I'm going to leave the expression of them in this document because they help me to understand Sonya's later actions. I think she must have felt some of the same feelings for Mom that I have expressed here. The difference between us is, first, Sonya violently acted out her feelings of disquiet and, second, the need she had for reciprocated love--the love that she so desired and tried to elicit through controlling Mom--was never met. "The mind is its own place, and in it self Can make---a Hell of Heav'n." (John Milton, Paradise Lost)
I really would like to think I never had those mean-spirited thoughts. But I'm going to leave the expression of them in this document because they help me to understand Sonya's later actions. I think she must have felt some of the same feelings for Mom that I have expressed here. The difference between us is, first, Sonya violently acted out her feelings of disquiet and, second, the need she had for reciprocated love--the love that she so desired and tried to elicit through controlling Mom--was never met. "The mind is its own place, and in it self Can make---a Hell of Heav'n." (John Milton, Paradise Lost)
posted by Joyce | 4:05 PM
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